Background

My parents divorce was finalized when I was 13.  It had been a rocky road for two years prior.  My father moved 100 miles away and remarried within the same year.  My mother remarried a year and a half later and divorced ten years after her second marriage.  If you are contemplating divorce, are in the midst of getting a divorce, or you are divorced and wonder what your children are thinking, what to do, how to act, I would like to offer some advice from personal experience.  I am not a counselor, therapist, or social worker so any thoughts I have to offer are strictly from a personal and not a professional perspective. 

Point #1  

Don’t make your child your counselor or therapist.  While you may not have anyone else to turn to, resist the temptation to “dump” on your children.  They don’t know what to do, what to tell you, or where to turn themselves.  My mother wanted me to become her best friend after the divorce.  I can still remember her crying in the kitchen saying, “I can’t live with him and I can’t live without him.“  Here she was talking about my father.  My mother and I had not been close as I had been Daddy’s girl.  Don’t think that you will suddenly become closer to your children when your spouse moves out of the house.  If you don’t already have that special relationship, it won’t happen overnight.  And you trying to make them your best friend won’t help.  I was even my mother’s maid of honor at her second wedding.  At age 14 was I going to tell her no?  

So, my point is – find anyone other than your children to talk to, cry with, and express your anger and grief during this painful time in your life.  You must put your children’s well being ahead of yours.  If you just can’t find anyone, call me.  I’ll lend an ear and a hug.

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Social security wage base increases to $110,100 for 2012.

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Personal/dependent exemption $3,800.

Standard deduction - Single/$5,950; MFJ/$11,900; Head of Household/$8,700.

Annual gift exclusion remains at $13,000.

Maximum IRA & Simple Retirement plan contributions remain the same at $5,000 and $11,500 respectively with age 50 and over catch-up contribution remaining at $1,000.

401(k), 403(b) maximum contributions increase to $17,000 with age 50 and over catch-up contribution remaining at $5,500.

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Lest you think Non-profits get a free ride, 1.47% of those returns were audited for the FYE 9-30-10.

The IRS employed 22,710 people in the enforcement side of the agency and collected 57.6 billion dollars  from its efforts in that same fiscal year.  Of the cases recommended for criminal prosecution, the IRS has a conviction rate of 90.20%. 

Don’t look for that number to drop anytime soon!

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http://www.insurancequotes.com/long-term-care-insurance-divorce/

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If you care for foster animals, you may be entitled to a charitable contribution deduction for out-of-pocket expenses.

Requirements:

1.     The organization must be a tax-exempt charity eligible to receive tax-deductible contributions.

2.     Out-of-pocket expenses under $250 must be substantiated by a receipt, cancelled check, or other reliable evidence.

3.     Expenses of $250 or more must be substantiated by a contemporaneous written acknowledgement from the donee organization.

4.     The value of services rendered to or on behalf of a charity are never tax deductible.

If you meet the above requirements, you will be able to deduct such costs as pet food, pet supplies, and veterinary serivces.  You can also deduct mileage that relates to the care of the animal at 14 cents per mile.

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—– Foreign lotteries are illegal in the U.S.  You can’t win no matter what they say. 

I have received numerous emails from foreign countries about winning lotteries or claiming a prize as I am sure many of you have too.  Be warned – don’t reply or give out any info.

—– There are no legitimate jobs that involve reshipping items or financial instruments from your home.

This is a great tip for those who are unemployed.  If you are contacted by someone stating they will ship items to you and pay you to ship them from your home, this is not legitimate. 

—– Your bank will never e-mail or call you for your account number.

Have you had e-mails from banks that you don’t bank with stating there is a problem with your account?  Don’t open those!

—– Only 2% of reported identity theft occurs through the mail.  Report online fraud to the Federal Trad Commission at ftc.gov/complaint.

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I’m up for any potential savings, so I followed through with her advice.  Two weeks later I got a notification in the mail that my homeowner’s insurance premium will be reduced by approximately $200 per year!  That’s an initial savings of $150 right away since my premium was due in October - not to count future savings.

How about calling your insurance agent and ask if a wind damage assessment might yield savings for you?

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During the past two decades, as a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice, I have heard the concerns of divorcing parents echoed time and time again in my office.  These parents, both male and female, initially experience a sense of despair about the task before them.  They ask, “Can I finish raising my children in a happy and healthy environment?  Will my children continue to be well-adjusted human beings, or will the change in the structure of our family unit stagnate their emotional growth and development?”   

Research during those earlier years cast a dark shadow on the functional abilities of a family shattered by divorce.  These homes were supposed to represent a somewhat deprived existence, at best, with either financial or emotional difficulties sabotaging family stability.  The latch-key children of these homes were depicted as taking on too much responsibility too early and suffering from isolation and loneliness.   

With the existence of such social attitudes, it is easy for divorcing parents to assume the role of victim  -  with feelings of little or no control over their lives.  However, I encourage these parents to accept responsibility for their personal happiness and for the quality of their family life.  Together, their family can make the adjustments of restructuring the family unit after the fragmentation of divorce.  In an atmosphere of love and acceptance it is possible to continue to grow and mature as individuals.  It is important for each family member to be accepted as an individual within the family setting and for attitudes to be positive and nurturing. 

You can begin to reestablish your personal and family identity after divorce.  As you draw upon the unique strengths of your family structure, it is possible to develop a special closeness that will endure for a lifetime.  This closeness is developed through shared interest in each others’ lives and common goals.  It does not involve possessiveness, manipulation or loss of idividuality.  Rather than the parent slinging orders, it requires much discussion and cooperation among all family members.  Over time, you will learn to feel like a family, think like a family, and function like a family again.

 Although there will be unique problems that families of divorce face,there are answers and resolutions to those problems.  Finance is an area of concern for many families after divorce.  However, many learn to budget diligently and to even enjoy an occasional laugh about the “joys” of all this penny pinching. 

Although emotional deprivation can be an issue in any family, it does not have to be a part of your family after divorce.  A heavy workload is not an excuse for emotional neglect of our children.  It is possible to be busy people and still take time to spend time together.  It is possible to be actively involved in each other’s lives.  I did not say it is easy -but possible.  The secret is in the planning.  Since time together rarely “just happens” you have to plan for it. 

My purpose is not to deny the unique difficulties in maintaining family and home after divorce.  However, I want to present a glimmer of hope to the many worried and guilt-ridden parents struggling with the task of reestablishing their family after the stress of divorce.  You can live a stable and happy life.  Remember, you not only face unique problems, you also possess very unique strengths.  I  hope you will look for your strengths and capitalize on them.  As for your problems – search for solutions, read, attend seminars or classes, seek support groups, or the assistance of an experienced family therapist as you seek guidance and growth. 

You can give in to doubt or despair, or you can choose to take responsibility for your life and get on with the challenges – and joys – of parenting your children after divorce.  It’s up to you!  And remember, just like most things in life, it is a matter of attitude – your attitude! 

Stephanie Summers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice.  You may visit her website at www.ssummers.com for additional information or you may telephone her office at (904) 268-9178 to schedule an appointment.   Her office address is 12412 San Jose Blvd., Suite 402, Jacksonville, Florida  32223.

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